the first impression
I think it is quite obvious how not enthusiastic in a sense I’ve been about this because I pulled this task a few days ago now and now I am only writing about it now. Oops!
Actually though, when I did pull it I had some immediate ideas and it felt decent but now I lost the plot a bit (I blame unrelated circumstances though, so I can’t be playing up the “ohhh this is so hard” card THAT much.)
Talking to people is so hard, you guys.
But at least as of me writing this I have a little networking event that I will go to and I will try my best!!!
hmmmmm
Okay well as I expected with this task I am unfortunately plagued by many thoughts and not necessarily good ones.
What is too bad even more so is that I feel so down and self deprecating that I am not sure that I want to share that, or rather HOW much to share. Especially for the videos.
See I have this terrible habit of doing something that is scary (to me) and then not even following up on it, but instead just assuming the worst. It’s not productive and it’s not great, but that is how that brain does it. Which is Annoying.
I am once again glad that for me this task will not be something that has to actually result in a thing being done, but rather just my attempt at… attempting.
So we’ll see how much I can distil this.
hmmmmmmmm v2
It is an eternal battle in me sometimes, whether to push myself out of the comfort zone and ask for help (awful, really) or to do it all by myself.
However, I’m feeling a bit of a middle-ground right now. I feel like, yes, I would love to socialize and collaborate, but clearly, people aren’t going to just bite, especially not if it’s someone like me who is, frankly, kinda awful at clearly stating what they do and what they’re good at. I always forget that, sadly, not everyone can read my mind.
Anyways, I’m getting a bit off track, but what I am trying to say here is that I think I need to focus on creating things BY MYSELF (videos, book projects, whatever) and then ask for direct help or put myself out there as a Result of these things I am doing by myself.
I really am way too in my head about this. I wish I could fake-it-til-I-make-it but I just cannot. I gotta approach it differently. I gotta do it in a way that makes sense for me.
Though.. I cannot be too upset at myself right now, as this whole thing I am doing RIGHT NOW is already a way I am trying to put myself out there, be authentic, and all of that good stuff.
the conclusion
The post on this task was kinda just all vibes based. I think it was all very emotionally charged and All That. It’s okay though!
I’m very proud of how I articulated myself in the completion video for the task. Sometimes it’s not about doing things but realizing things as a result. And that is a result worth having, too. (speaking of, I made a page for the results of the journey which I will try to also keep updating as I go on! For now it is pretty short, though.)
But seriously, I think there’s much I am already doing, and needing to be kind to myself. It’s interesting watching back the video where I was just having a bad vibe day, as I really never COMPLETELY voice the feelings that annoy me the most, but it also feels just a little too personal to do so.
The fine line of “how much to put myself out there” and “nobody look at me” was so extremely thin here. But I suppose that’s just what being human is like, no?
It is extremely amusing to me though that now that I feel so fired up to MAKE things and PUSH IT OUT THERE, I keep pulling tasks that aren’t exactly about that. See seek mentorship. Oh well!